Nightmares

[thefourthone]

It’s a bad night. The feelings creep up slowly, no matter how much she tries to ignore them and act normal. A weight on her chest so heavy she can’t breathe. That prickle at the back of her neck like she’s being watched no matter how often she checks the doors are locked and curtains tight shut. It doesn’t help. It feels like he’s here, always just out of sight, ready to take her all over again. Worst of all, she doesn’t even know who he is. Daddy or 'Uncle' Jim or Black Mask, all of them haunting her.

Eventually Steph goes to bed. Probably a bad idea but she’s just so tired of being awake right now. Then nightmares, up-close and real with all the protective haze of fading memory stripped away. Chained up and at his mercy, and he’s laughing as he cuts her up. The smell of her own blood turns her stomach and finally vomits when he puts the iron on her skin and the smell of burned flesh fills her nose. Then he’s touching her like Uncle Jim touched her, and it didn’t really happen but she can feel it and it’s so real.

The sound of her own shrieking yanks her into wakefulness, and Steph practically falls out of bed in her hurry to get up and out. She can’t be alone right now, she can’t can’t can’t stay in this empty place alone with the terrible things in her head. She’s a trembling mess as she yanks her black leggings on and doesn’t bother changing her nightshirt before clambering out her window and hurrying up to the roof.

There’s only one place to go, only one person she knows beyond a doubt to be safe. Soon Steph is crouched on the narrow ledge outside Cass’ apartment. It’s so late, but she taps on the glass anyway and tries not to shiver in the wind.

Comments

[onewhoisall]

Batgirl tilted her head, staring at the girl on the outside of the window before she pushed the window open. Indicating with a jerk of her head for Steph to come in, she began to peel off the gloves and mouthless mask that separated her and the world. Pulling off the mask, her hair stuck up in a million directions as she looked at Steph.

"You okay?" Cass asked quietly.

[thefourthone]

Steph crawls into the window after her into an apartment so much warmer and lived-in then it feels in her place. It feels so empty there.

"I just-" She starts to nod then stops. What's she going to say--that she had bad dreams? Pathetic. Stupid, like she's just some idiotic child looking for comfort.

Steph takes a hitching breath and tries to calm down, but it doesn't really work. "I just couldn't be by myself."

[onewhoisall]

"Hn," Cass murmured, removing the belt next before carefully placing it down. Compared to the rest of her clothes, the mess that she created and lived and Kaine endured in, she was pretty fastidious- a new word she had learnt- with her uniform. She respected her uniform even if she didn't care about some of the other things. "You can always come here, you know that. Even if we aren't here, this is your home too."

Cass meant it, undoing her suit she peeled it off before looking around for a shirt or something else to wear. Padding around her room naked, she looked for something of Kaine's to borrow.

[thefourthone]

"I...I did. I came here." It's not the apartment itself, and it's not Kaine, even though she likes him and he's way nicer to her than she deserves. It's Cass, who feels safe in a way that has nothing to do with her combat skills. She's the one person here who really knows Steph, all the good and all the bad. Knows her and loves her anyway.

Steph has this way of filling up a room with her presence and noise, but now she's still and quiet. A survival tactic learned young that still hadn't really saved her. "I'm sorry," she says without knowing what she's apologizing for. Despite best efforts, her eyes fill with tears. "I'm all messed up. He's in my head and I can't get him out."

[onewhoisall]

"I mean- I meant, you can always stay here. Longer, if you wanted to. Kaine won't mind. Or we could hn, see if we could get somewhere in this building for you. Closer but your own space. And then it wouldn't be too long for you to get here." Cass replied. She wasn't sure how the buildings worked for anyone, her and Kaine had kept both of their apartments. It was better to have more bolt holes if they needed them.

Bending down she picked up a shirt, that wasn't one of Kaine's but was one of her own oversized black tees. The one with spiders embroidered in equally as dark thread. It smelled like Kaine though, most of her stuff did these days which was... good. It made her feel safe, maybe Steph needed that. People, contact.

Looking up at Steph, she made a thoughtful little noise before stepping forward and wrapping her arms around Steph. Her father was in her head too, sometimes. The whisper to hit harder, to make it easier for herself. To kill not injure.

"It's okay, it will be okay. One day he won't be there, or one day you will have the energy to ignore him. That day doesn't need to be today, today you have me." Cass spoke carefully but it was clear that her time with Kaine, with Steph and Barbara and Aggie was affecting her more than they realised. She talked in sentences now, she actually talked in general.

[thefourthone]

"I think Kaine would mind more than you think," Steph says with just the start of a wry smile. As good a boyfriend as he may be, it's a lot to ask to have a messed-up BFF crashing on the couch.

When Cass hugs her, Steph can't keep it at bay any more. She starts to cry with shoulder-shaking sobs like she's on the edge of hysteria as everything she's been trying to keep in comes out in a rush.

"It's like he's just under the surface all the time, and- and I just want to scratch my skin off if it means he would just go away. I'm just so scared all the time of what's going to happen next...like there's something in me that just makes bad things happen."

[onewhoisall]

"Yes, and he would tell you constantly. He would but he would do it if it made me happy, and if it made you happy- if you felt safe- then it would make me feel happy." Cass murmured in reply to Steph. Sometimes they messed up, sometimes they left and came back but- she knew Kaine would do this if she asked. Because he loved her, because she loved him despite neither of them being the best at relationships. "Move into the building then, then you would not be alone so much. Or so far."

She feels the shake of Steph's shoulders, the dampness of tears dropping onto the tiny spiders stitched round her neckline. Reaching up to brush Steph's hair, she smoothed one hand down the back of her hair and kept the other reassuringly at her back. Rubbing her fingers down her spine, she let her friend cry.

"There isn't. There isn't something bad in you, you happened to me. That is... good, hn better than good." Cass thought carefully. She couldn't stop Steph feeling scared, she couldn't stop her feeling that but she could train her so that she wouldn't feel like that. Train her harder than before. "We're starting you training tomorrow. Seriously. Not like before. I can't change what happened, you can change what happens next."

[thefourthone]

Safe. She wants to feel safe so much it hurts. "I could- I could move into the building, maybe," Steph says slowly as she really thinks this over. Her apartment feels so empty no matter how much she's tried to make it feel like home. Maybe being closer would be better. Knowing she's not all on her own.

She's so used to shoving it all down, just going around pretending everything is fine, but now it's all spilling out of her. Cass holds her close and lets her cry, and it helps. Simple touch that's meant to heal, not hurt.

"But I don't" Her voice is bitter. "I don't have what it takes. That's what Batman thinks."

[onewhoisall]

Cass remains quiet, still and calming as Steph cries against her. She moves her hands up to shoulders, feeling the knots and tension she has been stubbornly carrying before she rubs her back slowly. Pressing her head against Steph's shoulders, she lets out a soft huff of breath before taking a step back then another before she is pulling Steph down onto the bed. Letting Steph cry, she just simply held her as they sat on the bed together.

"It doesn't have to be about being Robin. It is about being you." Cass answered. It was about giving her... the tools to defend herself. To make her feel safe inside her own skin. "And Bruce doesn't... always know what is best. If you want to be Robin, you can be Robin eventually but that isn't what this is. It's training, just that."

[thefourthone]

"Do you think-" Step sniffles and wipes at her eyes as she rests her head on Cass' shoulder. Not quite daring to hope, even if she knows that wrung-out, clear-headed exhaustion that exercise can bring. "That will help? I just want- I don't know how to fix myself."

[onewhoisall]

Cass brought her hand to run down Steph's arm, gently stroking her arm as they sat down together. Pressing her lips together at Steph's question and moves a minor fraction so Steph would be comfortable resting against her. She doesn't think there will be easy answers, easy solutions to problems that are complex.

"It isn't fixing, fixing means that there is something wrong with you. You need to mend, like a stubborn broken bone. Sometimes you need to rebreak it to make it heal," Cass replied thoughtfully. The fact that she knew the difference between the words was a point of pride but she didn't let it show in her face. "And sometimes you need to punch things. This will help. I think."

Even if she didn't necessarily like that it wasn't just her and Steph. That there would be others. That there would be Assassins there. Or former assassins at least.

[thefourthone]

"I do like punching things," Steph says with a faint smile in her voice. Then she's quiet for a few moments as she leans against Cass, still crying a little but has got the worst of the sobbing out. She feels like she needs fixing, like there's this jagged ugly thing that's torn her to pieces.

But the way Cass says it...maybe Steph could do that. Maybe she could mend.

"Will I...do you think I'll be okay?"

[onewhoisall]

She smiled softly at that, stroking her fingers down her arm before reaching for Steph's hand. Rubbing her back, she pulled back to look at Steph. Pressing her lips together, she considered the question before nodding. Moving back to brush the tears from Steph's cheeks.

"You will. You're Stephanie Brown, you're Robin, you will be... hn, more than okay." Cass replied before remaining silent for a moment. But only a moment as the silence broken by the sound of her own growling stomach.

[thefourthone]

Steph, still red-eyed, looks at her for a long moment then nods with resolve. When Cass says it and looks at her like that she can even believe it. But then Cass' stomach makes itself known and Steph looks down with a little laugh. "You okay there? Little hungry?"

[onewhoisall]

Cass smiled as Steph laughed, the tension drifting a little. It was still there but at least now it wasn't screaming at her like it had been before. Cass touched her stomach before nodding. She hadn't been expecting Steph to come over, to be upset and had intended to just eat whatever they had in until Kaine came home.

"A little, maybe Kaine will bring pizza in. Or Chinese, I like Chinese food. I could text him, I have a book... with pictures in. And a menu somewhere, if you wanted. You can stay here tonight," Cass murmured with a small smile. "You can tell me what you want to work on, I'll figure it out. Hand-to-hand, weapons, defence, offence, what you want."

[thefourthone]

"If you don't think he'll mind if I stay over." Steph doesn't think he will--Kaine is seriously patient when it comes to Cass' crazy friend--but she still wants to ask. She feels a little calmer now, but going back to her empty apartment might ruin all that. "We can talk about it over egg rolls."

[onewhoisall]

"He won't," Cass reassured her, she rubbed her stomach ignoring the way it growled at her. She could deal with it for the moment, reaching back for Steph's hand, she threaded her fingers through Steph's before tugging her towards the living area and kitchen. Picking up her phone as she went, she took a photo of their worn chinese food menu before sending it to Kaine. "Hn, we might have something in for he moment. Freezer waffles."

[thefourthone]

With a little smile, Steph keeps hold of Cass' fingers and follows after her into the kitchen still in her nightshirt and leggings. There's something to be said about 24-hour Chinese delivery places. Then she really brightens, despite herself. "Waffles? Is there syrup?"

[onewhoisall]

Cass led Steph into the kitchen before letting go of her hand as she fetched the toaster waffles from the freezer. Popping them in, she turned to face Steph and gave her a very cold, serious look at the question. Reaching up to one of the cupboards, she climbed up onto it easily to reach the top shelf and grunted as she pulled the sticky webbing that stuck the syrup to the top of the cupboard.

"I teased Kaine once too many times," Cass explained, pulling the webbing off before climbing down onto the counter and sitting on it. "It is very difficult to get out of, don't let him web you. Or any of the others... hn, I think there is three more now. I think."

[thefourthone]

"It's so weird. I thought it would be...goopier. Steph laughs a little as she reaches to touch the webbing and play with it between her fingers. She's seen it before but never actually touched it. "I met Spider-Woman. She seems really nice. Are they all...related or something? Aliens from a spider planet or something?"

[onewhoisall]

"That's... hn, not for me to say. It's Kaine's secret, something like that. Related. Not the alien planet." Cass replied. She knew Kaine could be touchy about being a clone, about feeling as if he was the defective one but she thought it made him beautiful, stronger, more impressive that he wasn't like the others. And well, she preferred him to Peter a hell of a lot more. She hadn't ever been impressed by what she had seen of the other Spider-Men (and women.) "Hn, really? She wasn't nice to me. She was trying to break in somewhere when I met her."

[thefourthone]

"Maybe she was looking for clues." The Spider-Woman Steph had met seemed firmly on the side of good. Anyone who listened to her ramble about her problems that much had to be.

Steph reaches for the bottle of syrup and drips a bit onto her finger to eat. "Breaking and entering in the name of justice is allowed."

[onewhoisall]

"Hnnnn," Cass murmured doubtfully, her voice trailing off as she snapped and tapped Steph's fingers as she ate pure syrup. Raising an eyebrow at her, she gave her a look that indicated she should wait. Pulling the waffles out the toaster, she gave one to Steph and kept one for herself before she stuck another two in. "Breaking and entering when you haven't tried asking first is not."

[thefourthone]

"Do you know if she asked or not?" Steph asks, though most of her focus is on drizzling the syrup on the waffle and let it pool in the little pockets. Mmmmmm. The anticipation is almost as good as eating them. "I mean, she seems on the up-and-up to me."